It's The Homos, Stupid

The King of all Insightful Vulgarness, Iowahawk, as Howard Dean ("It's the Homos, Stupid. An Open Letter to the Conservative-American Community"):

Sadly, though, this is just the tip of the GOP gayberg. House Speaker Dennis Hastert, the mincing minnie who ran the GOP's Foley coverup? A former high school "wrestling coach." California governor Arnold Schwartzenegger? A curious fondness for flexing his oiled pecs while parading around in a pair of skimpy Speedos. "Dick Armey"? You do the math.

And if their rampant homoism weren't enough, the GOP has further betrayed traditional conservatives by secretly nominating negros in races across the country. Yes, you read that correctly: actual negros. No matter how many times they try to hide the genetic truth from conservatives like you, GOP nominees like Michael Steele, Lynn Swann and Ken Blackwell are black as the ace of spades. Imagine the devastating impact on US property values if the world learns that more of those types have moved into the Congressional neighborhood.

Are these Republican negros also gay? It is too early to say definitively, but much more will be revealed in the upcoming weeks. Our research teams are busy still digging up evidence, but what we've learned already should be enough to destroy whatever shred of faith you have left in the Gay Old Party. I have, in my hand, a list of of over 200 GOP insiders suspected of sodomy, locker room towel-snapping, dancing with fat girls, and open negroism. As Christians like you, we would rather persuade them to forfeit their election campaigns peacefully, but if necessary we promise to get the charges out in time for your November 5 Sunday sermons.

Are you fed up with the GOP's miscegenation and gay bathhouse shenanigans? I know we've had our differences in the past, but maybe it's time for conservatives like you to give Democrats a fresh new look. The Republicans like to talk about having a "big tent," but we at the DNC are actually taking concrete steps to bring conservatives back in the fold. Just look at our innovative Iraq quagmire withdrawal plan, which has earned the praise and endorsement of rock-ribbed, traditional American conservatives like Pat Buchanan, Fred Phelps, and David Duke.

Ouch.